I decided to call this blog “Numb Sex” because that is the essential description of what sex feels like to a sex addict. It feels numb, the opposite of how it should feel. One of the great ironies of this addiction (and, I suspect, of many addictions) is that it doesn’t actually feel good; yet, you crave it.
This blog will essentially answer the question, what does it feel like to be a sex addict? This is a first-person blog about sex addiction. I am the addict. I am currently attempting to put together the pieces of my life after a series of failed relationships and friendships and after years of shame, guilt, lost money, wasted opportunity and emotional numbness. Part of that attempt is to come to grips with my past, understand what happened to me, and thoughtfully and mindfully plan my future. This web site exists to share my experiences and emotions and help others who are struggling with this addiction. You may be an addict yourself, the partner or family member of one, or a student or academic. Regardless of your situation, you can learn something from my experience.
This is not a how-to or advice web site. I am the first to recognize that I am in no position to be giving advice on what to do as a sex addict. At times, I might give limited advice on particular situations based on firsthand experience; however, keep in mind that I have not yet conquered my addiction. If I offer advice, it’s only based on my personal experience; your mileage may vary.
Quick demographics, in no particular order:
- Late 30’s
- Living in a large city
- Professional job in business consulting
I had a great childhood. I grew up in a nice white-collar suburb with two loving, married parents who generally modeled a stable, caring family life. I was a good student; I participated in sports; we took family vacations; I joined school and youth groups. I could not have asked for a better start in life.
Growing up as a gay kid, though, was hard. There were no “out” gay kids at my school (I graduated from high school in the late 1990s) and no real gay families in my town. Media exposure was generally negative. Although there are definitely worse places and times to have grown up in, my childhood was difficult from this one very personal standpoint. I carried around the shame of being gay ever since I first realized that that was who I was. To a certain extent, I still carry it today.
I attended a very good private college—not among the best, but very good. The college was small and suburban; it fit my personality at the time. I made good friends and joined organizations. Still, I had little luck in relationships and wasn’t open and authentic about my true self in college.
My professional life has been successful. I currently work in business consulting for an international firm whose name you would know. My friends, family and colleagues know about my sexuality and have met partners of mine. I have a good apartment in a big city. I save money. I eat well. But I have not been able to have a sustained, loving, intimate relationship. I’ve had boyfriends and partners, but not the kind of intimate relationships that produce genuine happiness.
I am a high-functioning sex addict
I am a high-functioning addict. I have never hit bottom, been fired from a job, been arrested, or sabotaged my life or career in any dramatic way. Although in many ways I’m out of control with my addiction, I have hid it from public view and have led a very responsible, mature, outwardly-successful life throughout it all.
I slipped into my sex addiction in my mid-twenties (more than ten years ago!), recognized I had a sex addiction around age 30, spent several years in denial, and am only now trying to come to grips with what my addiction means and what my future can be.
This blog is part of my recovery
I decided to write this blog both for myself and for others. I read interesting things about sexuality and sex addiction in bits and pieces (mostly in private browsing mode on my phone—more on that another day), but I never seem to have time to sit, think, and organize my thoughts about them. I want to use this blog to put together the whole story of my past, present, and, hopefully, future.
Anything I write will be true; lying or flattering myself would not be helpful in putting together the pieces of my story. You might be horrified by some of what you read, but you will be reading the truth.
Tell me in the comments: How does my story compare to yours?