Why are there no good sex-addiction blogs?

Here’s a question: why are there no good first-person sex addiction blogs out there? The internet is full of content and addiction memoirs are popular these days. Go to Amazon.com and search for “addiction” or “addiction memoir” and you’ll see dozens, possibly hundreds, of books about it. Some of them are good; I will share the ones I’ve read in a future post.

If you search the web, you’ll also see a lot of resources and web pages for sex addicts themselves. Many of these, helpful though they may be, are established by clinics, rehab centers, and therapists.

There are good individual pages and posts, Reddit forums, and articles on the Huffington Post. The mainstream news media does occasionally run a useful article, though most of what they write is of the banal is-sex-addiction-just-an-excuse-for-cheating variety. There are several blogs that are started from the perspective of the partner. But you cannot find a good first-person account of sex addiction in a regularly-updated blog. (Note: if you know of one, let me know in the comments.)

Six reasons why there are no good sex addiction blogs

Here are six reasons why I think there are no good first-person sex addiction blogs:

1.) Nobody wants to be personally branded as a sex addict. There are fewer and fewer taboos in society today, but sex addiction is a big taboo. It is hard to see someone being a successful attorney, doctor, teacher (!), or other professional if that person’s name is associated with a sex-addiction blog. The risk is simply too great. Nobody wants “sex addiction” to be one of the first things that comes up next to their name in a Google search, unless that person is a counselor or therapist. Think about it. Imagine you are a teacher who is in recovery for sex addiction. Imagine even that you’ve been monogamously partnered or married for ten years, but you write a blog about your past in sex addiction. A parent of one of your students finds out. You’re finished. Nobody wants to take that risk. Blogging is hard work. Confronting a sexual addiction in the present or past is hard work. Add to that the risk of losing your primary profession (not to mention the embarrassment and the permanence of the internet) and I can easily see why that’s too much for most people.

2.) An important part of sex addiction is shame. Look, it sucks. Addicts carry heaps of shame on our shoulders. If you follow this blog in the future, you’ll see that I was desperate for casual, meaningless sex. That I wasted hours, days, weeks, months, years of my life on web sites and in bars and sex clubs just chasing empty, fleeting sexual satisfaction. I was ashamed of my actions, ashamed of my feelings, and felt worthless and un-loveable as a person. How does a person carrying so much shame start a successful blog? A blog is about looking out toward the world, about being confident, about developing a voice. A person carrying so much shame will find that hard to do. For a blog to be successful, it has to be honest. Sex addicts don’t want to be honest because we are afraid of what being truly honest sounds like.

3.) You can’t really do it without a partner’s buy-in. If you are a sex addict, good luck trying to do anything online that’s a secret from your partner. They are checking your internet history, they know your passwords, they know where you stash stuff, and they are on the lookout for indiscretions. You don’t have any online privacy, so you can’t do it in secret. Now go back and read #1 in this list: nobody wants to be branded a sex addict. But I bet you also that nobody wants to be known as the partner to a sex addict for the whole world to see. Having been betrayed so deeply, what partner now wants to take the risk that all the deep hurt and raw emotion of the experience would be posted for all (including potentially family, friends, and colleagues) to see?

4.) Addicts are often not thinking clearly. In order to write a blog consistently, you need to be thinking clearly. In the throes of an addiction, especially when you’ve just diagnosed yourself or when you’ve broken up with a partner, you’re not thinking clearly. That is why some blogs started with a few angry, frustrated posts and then drop off. Addiction is an emotional roller-coaster of ups and downs, chasing highs and suffering the consequential lows. Writing a blog requires a clear mind and honest self-reflection. Nobody wants to read a blog written in the throes of a high or a low. Which brings me to….

5.) Addicts want to either indulge or get over it. During the addiction, my guess is that most addicts want to indulge their addiction. After the first few stories, writing a blog about the actual addiction is not all that interesting. During the long years of recovery, my guess is that bloggers want to move on with their lives and not dwell on the past.

6.) Addiction blogs don’t have easy monetization options.  Why do you think there are so many personal finance blogs? One reason is that there’s a lot of traffic and user interest, but a big reason is that there are tons of great monetization options for the personal finance blogger. Affiliate income is a key driver of their monetization strategy. Finance bloggers get paid for every new credit card, insurance policy, investment account, etc., that readers open after clicking on affiliate links. There are no such easy avenues for monetization of something as personal as an addiction blog. Second, in order to make money, you need to use a credit card, set up a business, maybe get a bank account—all things that require your name. And if you prize your anonymity, then you really can’t make money off a blog without jumping through a lot of legal hoops and being very careful.

Why I’m doing it

Writing a blog takes a lot of effort. I’m doing it mostly as part of my own growth and recovery. I have learned so much about myself since I confronted myself as a sex addict; I want to memorialize it somehow. To me, writing is therapeutic, so the process of writing will give me more ideas about myself and my experiences. I am writing this blog anonymously and not seeking any monetization from it (at least not now).

Tell me in the comments: Have you found any good first-person blogs? Why do you think there aren’t more of them?

What is it like to be a sex addict?

I decided to call this blog “Numb Sex” because that is the essential description of what sex feels like to a sex addict. It feels numb, the opposite of how it should feel. One of the great ironies of this addiction (and, I suspect, of many addictions) is that it doesn’t actually feel good; yet, you crave it.

This blog will essentially answer the question, what does it feel like to be a sex addict? This is a first-person blog about sex addiction. I am the addict. I am currently attempting to put together the pieces of my life after a series of failed relationships and friendships and after years of shame, guilt, lost money, wasted opportunity and emotional numbness. Part of that attempt is to come to grips with my past, understand what happened to me, and thoughtfully and mindfully plan my future. This web site exists to share my experiences and emotions and help others who are struggling with this addiction. You may be an addict yourself, the partner or family member of one, or a student or academic. Regardless of your situation, you can learn something from my experience.

This is not a how-to or advice web site. I am the first to recognize that I am in no position to be giving advice on what to do as a sex addict. At times, I might give limited advice on particular situations based on firsthand experience; however, keep in mind that I have not yet conquered my addiction. If I offer advice, it’s only based on my personal experience; your mileage may vary.

About me

Quick demographics, in no particular order:

  • Late 30’s
  • White
  • US-born
  • College-educated
  • Gay
  • Living in a large city
  • Professional job in business consulting

I had a great childhood. I grew up in a nice white-collar suburb with two loving, married parents who generally modeled a stable, caring family life. I was a good student; I participated in sports; we took family vacations; I joined school and youth groups. I could not have asked for a better start in life.

Growing up as a gay kid, though, was hard. There were no “out” gay kids at my school (I graduated from high school in the late 1990s) and no real gay families in my town. Media exposure was generally negative. Although there are definitely worse places and times to have grown up in, my childhood was difficult from this one very personal standpoint. I carried around the shame of being gay ever since I first realized that that was who I was. To a certain extent, I still carry it today.

I attended a very good private college—not among the best, but very good. The college was small and suburban; it fit my personality at the time. I made good friends and joined organizations. Still, I had little luck in relationships and wasn’t open and authentic about my true self in college.

My professional life has been successful. I currently work in business consulting for an international firm whose name you would know. My friends, family and colleagues know about my sexuality and have met partners of mine. I have a good apartment in a big city. I save money. I eat well. But I have not been able to have a sustained, loving, intimate relationship. I’ve had boyfriends and partners, but not the kind of intimate relationships that produce genuine happiness.

I am a high-functioning sex addict

I am a high-functioning addict. I have never hit bottom, been fired from a job, been arrested, or sabotaged my life or career in any dramatic way. Although in many ways I’m out of control with my addiction, I have hid it from public view and have led a very responsible, mature, outwardly-successful life throughout it all.

I slipped into my sex addiction in my mid-twenties (more than ten years ago!), recognized I had a sex addiction around age 30, spent several years in denial, and am only now trying to come to grips with what my addiction means and what my future can be.

This blog is part of my recovery

I decided to write this blog both for myself and for others. I read interesting things about sexuality and sex addiction in bits and pieces (mostly in private browsing mode on my phone—more on that another day), but I never seem to have time to sit, think, and organize my thoughts about them. I want to use this blog to put together the whole story of my past, present, and, hopefully, future.

Anything I write will be true; lying or flattering myself would not be helpful in putting together the pieces of my story. You might be horrified by some of what you read, but you will be reading the truth.

Tell me in the comments: How does my story compare to yours?